Hard News by Russell Brown


Sharing the Wealth

In a dazzling policy announcement in the final hours of the 2011 election campaign, the Zumwohl Party has revealed its  schnapps redistribution policy.

The new stance replaces the party's previous policy of offering a case of award-winning New Zealand-made schnapps to the author of the best election campaign tweet incorporating the #zumwohl hashtag. Now, the case will be broken up and distributed in a frenzy of rewards for #zumwohl tweets on election night itself.

"We looked deep into our own hearts and thought, isn't giving all the schnapps to one person just entrenching schnapps inequality?" says a Zumwohl Party. "We decided we wanted to reach out to the 99%."

The policy has been welcomed by the Mana Party, whose spokesperson said too much distilled goodness had been held by too few for too long.

National and Labour have given the policy a cautious thumbs-up, although Labour strategists were concerned it might complicate succession battles -- and an official from John Key's office, speaking on condition of anonymity, expressed concern that ratings agencies might be unnerved by any further deterioration in the Prime Minister's diction.

Surprisingly, Act has warmly praised the new policy. "We don't believe in picking winners," said some guy at the capaign office. "Especially if those winners are unlikely to be us."

To avoid influencing voters, the redistribution policy will not become effective until 7pm, Saturday November 26. Until then, the previous policy of awarding a single, daily bottle of Zumwohl to the author of the wittest tweet incorporating the #zumwohl hashtag will apply. Entrants are also strongly urged to follow @ZumwohlParty on Twitter to reduce compliance costs.

Meanwhile, the following #zumwohl tweets are among those to have been published in the past 24 hours:


Parties to the left of me, parties to the right, here i am stuck in the middle with u.....nited future #zumwohl #votenz


Goff's retraining program. He's asking more questions of John Key (than what Guyon is). Does Phil need a new job? #zumwohl


Copsicle: a frozen police recruit #zumwohl


US company trademarks "Teapot tapes" preventing release of decision #teapottapes #zumwohl


"You know I can't grab your ghost seats, Hone!" #arcaneseats #votenz #zumwohl


Just had a phone call from a recording of John Key. I didn't listen, in case it was private. #zumwohl


If National are the Feelers and the Greens are OpShop, a National-Greens coalition is the worst fucking band in history. #votenz #zumwohl


According to headlines, #teapottape both is and is not public. Little did the two Johns know, they shared Schrödinger's Cup of Tea. #zumwohl


Judge apologises for keeping media in suspense; says she didn't want to make a schnapp decision #teapottapes #zumwohl #badpuns


When you hear the contents of the #teapottapes, just remember that #HipstersForGoldsmith heard them, like, way before you did #Zumwohl

28 responses to this post

First ←Older Page 1 2 Newer→ Last

First ←Older Page 1 2 Newer→ Last

Post your response…

This topic is closed.