Cracker by Damian Christie

Valentine's Day is Over

Isn’t Valentine’s Day just the *best* day to go out for dinner? Dozens of drooling idiot guys who really decided to think outside the square and treat their Special Someone to a slapped-up buffet while surrounded by hordes of equally unimaginative men in chinos.

While I think Valentine’s Day is a big stinking pile of commercially-driven faeces, I suppose it serves a purpose. For a woman, if you’re in a relationship with someone with all the romantic inclinations of a two litre tin of Dulux All Weather Matt paint, at least it means you might get flowers once a year. For a guy in a long-term relationship, having bought your Special Someone flowers and the aforementioned buffet, it could be the only day of the year (other than your birthday) you get a Certain Kind of Attention.

I’m more of a fan of the rationalist romantic cop-out.

“Valentine’s Day is so lame” I begin. “How sad is it that people need a day to express their love for each other?” Carefully judging the reaction from my partner of the time, I continue, “I’d much rather give someone flowers randomly, just because, not because I’m expected to. Don’t you agree hunny bunny?”

And having reduced her Valentine’s expectations to zero, you can safely never buy her flowers for the rest of the year. Of course, if you try the same ploy the following V-Day, a more astute partner may pull your random flower giving scenario apart with a pithy, “Yeah, but you don’t.” The only safe response, going out as I tend to, with liberated equal-opportunity women, is “Well when was the last time you bought me flowers?”

Of course, you should always ensure you have a comfy couch and spare duvet.