Cracker by Damian Christie

Tossers I Have Met (pt 2)

Generally I have a lot of sympathy for bus drivers, and it's awful to hear stories like this one from Christchurch, of bus drivers being assaulted for no good reason.

But by Christ I could've throttled the bus driver this morning who thought it appropriate to whistle – loudly and tunelessly – an unending number of irritating ditties. I'm fairly amenable, even before my morning coffee. But "I'm a yankee doodle dandy" in a key alternating note by note from b sharp to c flat? There wouldn't be a jury in the land, I tells ya.

I went out drinking last night. Today, a friend I was with said she thinks her drink was spiked, because she was all over the place. I agreed, and suggested if someone had slipped something in her drink, it must've been in her 18th drink, because she was okay until that point. I also suspect someone spiked my 23rd drink, because I can't remember much after that. Bloody spikers.

Yes I know, it's not what we drink, it's how we drink. But don't you find that the drunk people on those ads are soooo much more interesting than their sober selves?

Outside the bar two people were trying to get in. One uttered the immortal line "don't you know who I am?"

If you have to ask, surely you already know the answer. What are you expecting to happen?:

"Oh sorry sir, I didn't recognise you for a second. It's Brett, right? Brett Stevens? From Telecom customer support? I do apologise. Go right in. Tell the bartender I said your drinks will be on the house tonight."

A few weeks ago I saw an even more embarrassingly inept approach:

"Sorry sir, we're only taking people with members' cards."

"Well, I don't have a member's card. But I do have this. Do you know what this is?"

"No sir."

"It's an American Express Platinum Card. Do you know what this means?"

"It means I'm still not letting you in."

(Perhaps his retort wasn't quite that sharp, but the net effect was the same…)

On last post's taxi driver issue, I've had quite a few responses. Many were sharing their own stories, a couple (one from a taxi driver himself) helpfully pointed out that it wasn't only the taxi driver industry which has racists among its ranks. I thought this was obvious enough not to say at the time, but for the sake of clarity:

There are many, many taxi drivers who aren't racist, and who are in fact hard-working, honest, reliable decent people. I've just had my share of those who aren't. And the difference between a racist taxi driver and a racist shopkeeper, is that you're not in a confined space with a shopkeeper for half an hour while they expound their worldview. I've never walked into a video store, handed over my money and had the clerk say "So what about those bloody Maoris eh?"

I should also add I wasn't suggesting Corporate Cabs was any better or any worse in this regard. Almost without exception its drivers are excellent, polite, punctual and so forth. Which is why I was so taken back by this individual. But rather than make an example and report him, I'd rather Corporate dealt with the situation by way of a general reminder to all drivers as to what's acceptable behaviour.

Danyl writes with his almost unbelievably shocking tale of a cab ride (not Corporate) in Wellington :

'Gidday Mate. Where are you going?'

'Just to Aro Valley thanks.'

No problem. Right - what do you get if you cross a Maori with an Asian?'

'Errr . . . what?'

'A rapist who can't drive.'

'That's um . . . isn't that offensive?'

'Oh fuck me! You're not one of those politically correct poofters are you?'

'I . . . guess so . . . I mean, I'm not gay, but . . .'

'Fucking sounds like you are. Nah - I'm just kidding mate.'

'Oh. Ha ha.'

Haha indeed. Happy weekend all