So I saw the Matrix: Revolutions last night. It was a advance preview thingy – it would be wrong (not to mention unnecessarily wanky) to call it a premiere. Anyway, there was no free food or drink, no-one from Shortland Street, only a couple of people from Pavement, and even they snuck out halfway through…
The one thing that did make it stand out from your run-of-the-mill movie session though, was the presence of a doorman, clutching a metal detector. At first I thought ‘Ok, they’re trying to do some kind of mock Big-Brother/Agent-Smith thing, albeit on a fairly modest scale.’ Turns out no, there was nothing mock about it. The [wonderful] local distributors had word from on high (or AOL Time Warner, which is a actually about as ‘on high’ as it gets, these days) to search everyone going in for recording devices, including of course, Pxt capable phone.
Now, being a Swimming Pool Pervert from way back, I came so equipped, and was amping to post some appallingly lo-res images for you to look at. But ahhh, foiled again, my phone confiscated and sealed in a manila envelope. Where’s David Blane when you need him? (Actually, he’d probably just leave my phone in the envelope for 40 days before opening it, perhaps Houdini’s my man.)
So in absence of said images, I give you this:
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Squint a bit and you can kinda make out Neo, represented in Matrix-code. If that doesn’t work for you, it helps to remember, there is no code [sorry, Matrix joke]. In any event, it’s better than how my photos would have turned out taken on my shitty cellphone from inside a darkened cinema.
Before I tell you what I thought of the film, it might be good if you read a Really Positive Review by someone who knows more than I do and really liked it.
I too really wanted to like Matrix: Revolutions. Monica Bellucci aside, the second film, Matrix: Reloaded, was disappointing. Too much reliance on half-arsed Stage One Philosophy – “If you knew you were going to make that choice, would you still make it?” and other similarly ‘deep’ lines. Too much time spent in Zion, which looked like a bad commune, complete with ‘trippy’ tribal dancing – The Gathering on a Bad Trip. Too much time spent flogging a message that was simultaneously unsubtle and yet rushed/confusing.
If you’ve seen the second film, and agree with the above summary, I’m sorry, but Matrix: Reloaded is not the make-good you've been waiting for. Apart from a few scenes, the film takes place largely in the “real world”, either in Zion or inside the ships. Sartorial excess is replaced with grubby fisherman’s rib jerseys. There’s too much kissing. Monica Bellucci appears for all of 30 seconds, and doesn’t say anything [still…].
The dialogue becomes laughable in the second half, a pastiche of old war films, Star Wars and coaches’ half-time pep talks. There’s even a “young soldier gets told off by drill sergeant” scene straight from the likes of Full Metal Jacket.
“Where in hell are you from anyway, Private Neo?”
“Sir, The Matrix, sir!”
“Holy dogshit! The Matrix! Only steers and queers come from the Matrix, Private Neo! And you don't look much like a steer to me, so that kinda narrows it down!”
Or at least, that’s how I remember it. I would have recorded it, only…