Cracker by Damian Christie

Family Values

First things first.

Would the owner of the late model BMW with the personalised plate "LLB BMW" please kill himself.


Dowse yourself in petrol and jump off the top of whatever mirror-clad office building you inhabit. See if you can't aim to land on the still-burning corpse of Paul Holmes' mana.

What were you thinking?

"Umm, let see. I really need a personalised plate, because my brand new BMW doesn't draw quite enough attention to me as it is. Besides, I need to remove any doubt in people's minds that I'm a complete wanker."

[Looks up personalised plates website]

"Oh no, the plate 'BMW' is gone. What a shame, because imagine having a BMW, with the license plate 'BMW'. How cool would that be?! Not to mention a real conversation starter at all those Law Society parties."

[much tapping ensues, followed by a relieved shriek]

"Oh my god! LLB BMW isn't gone! Wow, those personalised plate ads were right when they said some of the best plates are still available. Happy days, happy days indeed! Now people will know that my car is a BMW, and that I'm a lawyer!"

Oh that's right, and a complete wanker. And people wonder why I gave up law?

Second. The Graham Capill thing.

Without the blurry face, the footage of the Rev. getting smacked not once, not twice, but thrice in the chops makes for compelling viewing. To see him whimpering on the ground like the little bitch he is truly is the coup de grâce. I've been watching it over and over again, jumping and clapping each time like a Tellytubby on Crack.

I don't want to come across all Leighton Smith on this, but I really don't agree with Judge David Ryan. When Daniel McNally appeared in court for delivering his own brand of Tough Love to the paedophile Capill, Judge Ryan hit the roof:

[Woe betide the man who] takes an interest in some business in the court before me and take exception to the way it's dealt with then mete out his own treatment…There will be no question of bail for this man from me.

No question of bail. No question. For what? Punching a grown man in the face. Not ideal sure, but is it really throw-away-the-key material?

Whereas Capill, who on a number of occasions touched up an eight year old girl while she lay in bed, is remanded on bail. The learned judge says his offending was "not at the serious end of the scale."

Okay, I know what he's getting at, but this is an eight year old girl we're talking about. 'Not at the serious end of the scale' is "she looked eighteen, she was drinking in a bar, but turns out she was fifteen". When the kid is eight, there is no "light end of the scale". Graham Capill, you're a paedophile.

I can only hope that the real reason Ryan let Capill out on bail was so a few other people could mete out their own justice ahead of his sentencing. In the interest of justice however, can I just ask one thing:

If you are planning on doing so, make sure you get someone to film it.