Good god, you people! It’s been a massively busy couple of weeks sorting through all the stories of childhood wickedness that came flooding in after my last post. You’ll be as aghast as I was at the results. Look, either you’re all telling whoppers, or Public Address readers were uniformly the best-behaved five year olds on the planet.
Guess how many excellent stories of perfidious mischief I got. No, go ahead, guess:
Just the one. From a reader who prefers to remain completely anonymous. And with good reason. Read on...
My mother went into labour during my 4th birthday party, and Elizabeth was born that same day. As I (apparently) used to say: "The best birthday present a brother could have."
Actually, my mother is inclined to blame my behaviour at the birthday party for Elizabeth's precipitate birth. To be exact, the fact that I'd told several children (who had relayed the information to their astonished parents) that we were going to have a birthday cake "in the shape of a bust of Hitler". The knowledge that her 4-year-old son could come up with such a horrific lie was a terrible moment for my ultra-liberal vegetarian mother.
I can offer no mitigating circumstances for my appalling behaviour. Although we did have a book about WWII that featured a photograph of a scary bust of Hitler, and perhaps this made me think that it would be an exciting attraction at a party…
Come on. You can do even better than a bust of Hitler. Or worse. I can handle it!
I also got this evocation of childhood, which is doing the rounds on e-mail, from Glenn. It sparked a few memories and some real thought about what's different for today's kids. Read it and weep. What would you add, or take away? And will the anonymous author please come forward?
GROWING UP IN NEW ZEALAND
I'm talking about hide and seek and spotlight in the park. The corner dairy, hopscotch, four square, go carts, cricket in front of the garbage bin and inviting everyone on your street to join in, skipping (double dutch), gutterball, handstands, elastics, bullrush, catch and kiss, footy on the best lawn in the street, slip'n'slides, the trampoline with water on it (or a sprinkler under it), hula hoops, jumping in puddles with gumboots on, mud pies and building dams in the gutter. The smell of the sun and fresh cut grass.
'Big bubbles no troubles' with Hubba Bubba bubble gum. A Topsy. Mr Whippy cones on a warm summer night after you've chased him round the block. 20 cents worth of mixed lollies lasted a week and pretending to smoke "fags" (the lollies) was really cool!.. A dollars' worth of chips from the corner take-away fed two people (AND the sauce was free!!).
Being upset when you botched putting on the temporary tattoo from the bubblegum packet, but still wearing it proudly. Watching Saturday morning cartoons: 'The Smurfs', 'AstroBoy', 'He-man', 'Captain Caveman', 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles', 'Jem' (truly outrageous!!), 'Super D', and 'Heeeey heeeeey heeeeeeey it's faaaaaaat Albert'. Or staying up late and sneaking a look at the "AO" on the second telly, being amazed when you watched TV right up until the 'Goodnight Kiwi!'
When After School with Jason Gunn & Thingie had a cult following and What Now was on Saturday mornings! When around the corner seemed a long way, and going into town seemed like going somewhere. Where running away meant you did laps of the block because you weren't allowed to cross the road?? A million mozzie bites, wasp and bee stings (stee bings!).
Sticky fingers, goodies & baddies, cops and robbers, cowboys and indians, riding bikes til the streetlights came on and catching tadpoles in horse troughs.
Going down to the school swimming pool when you didn't have a key and your friends letting you in, drawing all over the road and driveway with chalk. Climbing trees and building huts out of every sheet your mum had in the cupboard (and never putting them back folded). Walking to school in bare feet, no matter what the weather.
When writing 'I love....? on your pencil case, really did mean it was true love. "He loves me? he loves me not?" and daisy chains on the front lawn. Stealing other people's flowers from their gardens and then selling them back to them...
Running till you were out of breath. Laughing so hard that your stomach hurt. Pitching the tent in the back/front yard (and never being able to find all the pegs). Jumping on the bed. Singing into your hair brush in front of the mirror, making mix tapes...
Sleepovers and ghost stories with the next door neighbours. Pillowfights, spinning round, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for the giggles. The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team. Water balloons were the ultimate weapon. Weetbix cards pegged on the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle. Collecting WWF and Garbage Pail Kids cards.
Eating raw jelly and Raro, making homemade lemonade and sucking on a Rad, a traffic light popsicle, or a Paddle Pop... blurple, yollange and prink!
You knew everyone in your street - and so did your parents! It wasn't odd to have two or three "best friends" and you would ask them by sending a note asking them to be your best friend.
You didn't sleep a wink on Christmas Eve and tried (and failed) to wait up for the tooth fairy. When nobody owned a pure-bred dog. When 50c was decent pocket money. When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for 10c.
When nearly everyone's mum was there when the kids got home from school.
It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb.
When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at the local Chinese restaurant (or Cobb'n'Co) with your family.
When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed her or use him to carry groceries and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.
When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home.
Basically, we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! Some of us are still afraid of them!!!
Remember when decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo" or dib dib's - scissors, paper, rock. "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest. Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in Monopoly.
Terrorism was when the older kids were at the end of your street with pea-shooters waiting to ambush you, or the neighbourhood Rottie chased you up a tree!
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was boy/girl germs, and the worst thing in your day was having to sit next to one. Where blue light discos were the equivalent to a Rave, and asking a boy out meant writing a 'polite' note getting them to tick 'yes' or 'no'. When there was always that one 'HOT' guy/girl.
Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot. Your biggest danger at school was accidentally walking through the middle of a heated game of "brandies".
Birthday beats meant you didn't want to go to school on your birthday!
Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better. Taking drugs meant scoffing orange-flavoured chewable vitamin C's, or swallowing half a Panadol. Ice cream was considered a basic food group. Going to the beach and catching a wave was a dream come true. Boogie-boarding in the white wash made you the next Kelly Slater. Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dare".
Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors.
Now, didn't that bring back some fond memories?
If you can remember most of these, you're a Kiwi legend! Pass this on to another Kiwi legend who may need a break from their "grown up" life...
I DOUBLE-DARE YA!!!!!
Sweet. And this just in from the Love Band: their first single will be entitled “I Like This Song.” Now all they have to do is learn their instruments. The smaller member of the band keeps falling over every time he reaches for the drumsticks, but he’s getting the hang of it.