Busytown by Jolisa Gracewood

31

What You Want (Baby We've Got It)

After extensive, diligent, probing research into what you want (and a few afternoons flicking through disappointing but thoroughly educational alternatives at the newsagents), we are delighted to announce a total revamp of Public Address.

We’ve bared all before, and we’re doing it again. It’s no secret that we’re after your eyeballs; a website like this lives or dies by the traffic it attracts. Distracted commuters on a highway to elsewhere: bad. Curb-crawlers: good.

So the all-new Pubic Address (new motto: This Is Where You Get Off) will be the real thinking person’s crumpet: unfettered, unfiltered raunch, slathered in buttery prose, with lashings of political golden syrup on top. Best of all, everything that attracted you to us in the first place is still there - with knobs on.

Here’s a taste of what you can look forward to...

No doubt about it, he’s the top! In Hard, Throbbing News, the indefatigable Russell Brown lovingly details the dick of the day. Sometimes, if the government's been really busy, more than one dick a day! He's the hardest working man in journalism. Also featuring occasional bonus food pron, and regular lubricious accounts of the nocturnal shenanigans of a usually mild-mannered city (hey Auckland, is that a Sky Tower in your pocket, or are you pleased to see me?). For the reader with plenty of time on their hands, legendary Big Russ delivers at length... luxury length.

If you prefer it quick and dirty, sail over to Get Lei'd on the North Shore, where the breathtakingly energetic and flexible Mr Anything-But-Slack makes a delightful nuisance of himself with men, women, bicycles, and the occasional eager Prime Minister who is, reportedly, up for anything as long as it’ll fly in the opinion polls.

For those who like it every which way and louche, there’s Up Yours, Full Frontal, in which the lithe and lovely Emma twists herself into a variety of provocative philosophical positions... with utterly bare-naked feet. You are not fit to lick them, but she’ll entertain your intelligent comments in lieu.

The more bookish, sensitive reader will thrill to the erudite prose of the pseudonymous A Cantabrian Gentleman, in which a straitlaced intellectual recounts in tantalizing detail his exquisite daily humiliations at the hands of a much, much, much younger man. Oscar’s disingenuous Bosie had nothing on the machinations of green-eyed “Bob.”

It’ll be business as usual at You Little Cracker, where Damian, our beloved pioneer in the art of lurid self-disclosure, happily debauches himself all over the globe for your amusement. Shameless exploits in foreign climes (with donkeys!) alternate with glowing tributes to Pussies I Have Known. With pics!

For your viewing pleasure, there’s You'll Go Blind, in which the delicious Fiona puts on her sexy librarian specs and gives it up: dates and times for all glimpses of saucy bits, intriguing erotic subtexts, and anything Buffy-related in the upcoming week’s TV listings. She likes to watch...

And you’ll never be disappointed by a bit of Random "Play", ‘cos Graham’s been doing it longer, harder, and in more places than most of us can dream of. And what a soundtrack! This is the man who put the "ear" in erogenous.

Or maybe you’d prefer to find yourself on the business end of a jolly good fisking at Get My Point, in which Keith loosens his tie and administers strict correction to naughty politicians and journalists who’ve been very, very naughty. You won’t believe what he does with that slide rule.

Alas, for legal reasons, we cannot yet disclose the direction in which “Barely Legal Beagle” Graeme will be taking his column. Let’s just say IANAL. Woof!

And fans of the sporting life will be keen to tackle Playing the Field Theory, in which the always up-for-it Hadyn wins the toss, then proceeds to play both ends against the middle. Forty-five minutes each way, ladies and gentlemen. In tiny shorts. Followed by a hot shower and a good hard rub down.

(Busty Town will continue to specialize in boob jokes and other infantile humour.)

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